Finding the Right Mentor
For the purposes of this article, when I say mentor I also mean: trainer, coach, horseback riding instructor, clinician, horsemanship professional, ect.
Or basically, anyone farther down the horse rabbit hole than you are.
A Theme Emerges
Over the years, one of the things I’ve appreciated most is being able to talk with people who are on the journey of finding their place in the horse world — whether they are brand new to it, returning after a long absence, or realizing they need an environment that better reflects their goals and values.
Again and again, one theme seems to emerge:
Finding the right mentor is often far more elusive than people realize.
What's Visible vs. Invisible
When people begin searching for a riding program or trainer, they naturally focus on visible things first:
- discipline
- training philosophy
- facility quality
- lesson structure or cost
- competition opportunities
And to be fair, those things absolutely matter.
But over time, I’ve noticed that many of the deepest frustrations people experience in horsemanship are often related to what is invisible.
Surpisingly often, they come from a mismatch between the student’s deeper goals and the mentor’s deeper priorities, especially over the long run.
Why Mentorship Fit Matters
In some ways, finding the right horse mentor reminds me a little of finding the right therapist.
Not because horsemanship is always therapeutic, and not because the goal is simply to find someone who makes you feel good. In fact, some excellent mentors are highly demanding people.
The similarity is something deeper than that.
Both relationships depend heavily on alignment:
- alignment of values
- alignment of goals
- alignment of communication style
- alignment of philosophy
- alignment of what growth is supposed to look like
One rider may want intense competition, direct critique, and high accountability.
Another rider may be searching for confidence, connection, emotional safety, partnership with the horse, or simply a sustainable way to love horses for the rest of their life.
Neither set of goals is wrong.
But problems can begin when people unknowingly enter mentorship relationships where the underlying objectives are fundamentally different.
A trainer may be exceptionally skilled and still not be the right fit for a particular rider or family.
Someone may produce incredible competitive results while unintentionally creating anxiety or burnout in a student whose deeper goals are joy, confidence, and connection.
On the other hand, a mentor who creates a wonderfully warm and encouraging environment may not be the right fit for someone seeking rigorous competitive advancement and highly technical instruction.
It's a journey - and may take some time
More than anything, I want to encourage people not to lose hope.
If you haven’t found the right fit for yourself or your child yet, keep looking.
One thing I’ve learned is that, excluding obvious extremes, there is rarely one “right” way to do horses. Different barns and mentors often prioritize very different things.
So if one horse person tells you that you’re “doing it wrong,” that does not necessarily mean everyone in the horse world would agree. Another mentor may see both you and your goals very differently.
Sometimes, just like finding the right contractor, teacher, or therapist, you may need to shop around a little before finding the right trainer or teacher. That can feel intimidating — especially when you’re new to the horse world — but it is often worth it if something feels consistently misaligned.
Many people eventually find long-term, happy partnerships in the horse world after transitioning through a few different environments first.
Sometimes the issue is not that you don’t belong in horses. It may simply be that you haven’t found the right fit yet.
Why I Built HayPartner
Part of the reason I built HayPartner was to help create more opportunities for people to find that kind of alignment and connection in the horse world. Wishing you the best of luck on your journey!
Comments? Questions? Feel free to reach out: questions@haypartner.com